As I Watched You Die-----Zoe's Story

My Dearest Zoe,
     As I was carrying you, I didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. I was hoping for a girl but I was pretty sure that you were a boy. I wanted someone I could dress up in cute bows and frilly dresses, someone to go shopping with and a Kindred Spirit.

     Labor and delivery was very hard on me. Labor started around 10:30, 11:00 p.m on June 6th 2014. I had been having contractions every night, all night for the past two weeks so I didn't know for sure if I was in labor....So I got  out of bed and went and laid on the couch so I wouldn't wake up your daddy.
     I called your Aunt Nana around midnight and told her I was having contractions. She started timing them over the phone letting me know they were five minutes apart. I couldn't talk through the contractions once the third one came. They got intense fast, I just cried through them to your Aunt and told her my back hurt so bad. She finally convinced me that I was in labor and told me to call the midwife and your Grammy. Before she hung up she said to me "My labor started at midnight and I had Giulianna at 10:00. Maybe you'll have your baby by 10:00!" That would have been nice. :) I called your Grammy and then woke up your Daddy telling him I was in labor. We then called the midwife.
     Your Daddy then cleaned up the house and I showered and did my hair. (Lot of good that did) At this point I was still able to talk between contractions. Your Grammy and the midwives arrived around 3:30 A.M.
     Well 10:00 came and no You. 10:00 p.m came and still you hadn't arrived. The pain at this point was so incredible I honestly don't know how I survived it. Words cannot describe how horrible the back pain was. I had no rest between contractions, I was in constant excruciating pain. The closest I can come to describing the agony was that it was like a burning hot knife stabbed into my lower back being twisted over and over with no relief and no letting up. We tried every position to get you to come down but you were stuck. I could feel you moving trying to get into a better position and it hurt so bad I would just cry out with the intensity of it. Around 8:00 P.M Saturday night the midwife told us we should consider going to the hospital. You were not coming down like you were supposed too. I didn't know this but I had actually degressed in centimeters. We prayed and asked God to show us if going to the hospital was what we should do. My water then broke and we thought that finally you were going to be born. But you still weren't coming down.
     Your Daddy asked me if I wanted an epidural. I could barely think straight let alone talk but I managed to tell him that we couldn't afford it. He then asked if money wasn't an issue would I want one? I told him YES! I wanted one twelve hrs ago!
     We loaded up and went to the hospital which was an hour away. I didn't think the pain could get any worse but it did. I was screaming almost constantly. Someone put a heating pack on my lower back to try and relieve the pain but it burned even worse.
      Arriving at the hospital around midnight we were put in a room right away. They drew my blood and had to test it before they could give me an epidural. I was crying and begging for an epidural at that point, I just wanted some relief! FINALLY three hours later I got the epidural, but instead of making the pain better it made it worse! It took away the 'between the contraction' pain but once a contraction came I would scream because the pain was so much more intense. I yelled out "Why am I in pain???? I am paying for NO PAIN!" The nurses probably thought I was crazy. I kept asking why I was in pain. I knew I wasn't supposed to have pain with an epidural.
     After what seemed like hours the Angithesioligist came and gave me another dose of the epidural through my IV and It immediately took affect and I fell right asleep.
     5:00 A.M The nurse wakes me up and tells me I need to start pushing. In about ten minutes of having the epidural I had dilated to ten centimeters and you were ready to be born! Praise the Lord for modern medicine :)

     June 8th at 6:59 A.M after pushing for an hour and forty minutes I gave birth to you, my beautiful baby girl! The love that washed over me when I held you for the first time was so amazing! I never understood that love until now.
     You started screaming soon after being born and it was such a beautiful sound! I wish I could hear it again. After that first few moments of time I never heard your voice again.
     The Doctor told me you weren't "Pinking up" as you should be so she was just going to take you to the nursery and check you out and see what was up. I kissed your cute little face and they took you away. I turned my face to the side of the bed and just cried and cried. Something was wrong with my precious baby girl!
     The doctors thought maybe it was your lungs that was giving you the trouble but they didn't know so they began the transfer to Cincinnati Childrens Hospital. They wheeled you in before taking you to the ambulance and I got to touch you in the cart thing that they had you in. You were sedated because when they were putting the tubes into you, you ripped them out! You never came out of sedation.
     I wasn't able to go with you because I couldn't walk and I hadn't been discharged yet so your Daddy went with you. He never left your side Little One. He was my strength throughout this whole experience. I don't know what I would have done without him by my side.
     After you left, I just sat there and cried. Why couldn't I have a healthy baby? Why was this happening??
     I got discharged from the hospital and soon as I could and rushed over to the hospital to see you. Your Daddy informed me over the phone that you had almost died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and they had to shoot you with epinephrin to keep you alive. Once they got you to the hospital they put you on EECMO to keep you alive. EECMO is a machine that takes all your blood out of your body, oxygenates it then puts in back in.
     When I saw you baby girl, completely covered in tubes and wires I lost it. I broke down sobbing into your Daddy's arms. You were so ill, only a miracle could save you. I knew then that I would lose you, but I couldn't voice that out loud, all I could do was pray that God would give me the strength to get through this nightmare!

     Three days of agony we were at the hospital hearing bad news after bad....The heart surgery that you had to have to fix the problem with your heart went wrong...your kidneys were shutting down, You were brain dead because you lacked oxygen to the brain for hours, you were blind, your lungs weren't working, and on the list went. The doctors told us that IF you survived this whole thing you would be in a vegetated state and would never be able to do anything :( I couldn't do that to you Zoe, I couldn't have my beautiful daughter suffer just so that I could keep you. As much as it hurt, we had to let you go.
     The doctors pumped you up with a lot of medicine so that you wouldn't be in any pain and then they began the process of taking you off the machine. I couldn't even speak I was in so much pain. My heart was breaking into little pieces.
     Once the last of the tubes were taken away they wrapped her in her blanket and laid her in my arms. I sat in your Daddy's lap and we both held you. The family all came in and kissed you goodbye.
    As I watched you die little one I thought about the last time I held you was when you were very much alive. We named you Zoe because it means Life and now your life was fading away.
     As I watched you die I thought of all the things that we wouldn't be able to do. We wouldn't be going shopping, watching girly movies, putting bows in your hair, or dressing you in frilly dresses.
     As I watched you die I thought about how you wouldn't grow here on earth but you would be in heaven. Pain free and loving life, just like you were supposed to do.
     As we held you, your Daddy and I talked about all the moments never to come. Your first laugh, calling us Mommy and Daddy. All of the things people take for granted, we were going to get to enjoy none of them with you.
     I don't know how long we sat there. Several hours. We watched you take your last breath and the nurse came in and told us you were gone. You were in heaven now, enjoying our saviour and we were left to grieve for our baby that we wanted so much!
     We gave you a bath and cleaned the glue off your head from the tests the doctors had to do. One of the nurses gave us a gown to put you in and a hat for your head. You looked like a perfect doll baby. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted you so much and had prayed so hard that God would give me a baby and He did and now He was taking you back!
     I still couldn't walk because the of hard delivery so I was wheeled down the hall to the elevator, Daddy was holding you and we were crying the whole time. The Chaplain was there with the nurse and they were waiting to take you to the morgue. I kissed your beautiful face and then your Daddy handed you over to the nurse. I sat there and watched the doors close on my life, my baby, and I wanted to die. The grief was so intense it was a physical pain that I didn't know if I was going to be able to get through it.
     As I write this, I can barely see for the tears flowing from my eyes, but for my sake I need to write this.
     The pain never goes away, but it does get bearable. The Lord has helped me get through the biggest trial of my life. Losing you was and is, so hard. I had to take life one hour at a time but eventually I was able to live again as much as I didn't want too. I will see you again one day my sweet baby girl.
     You have a little sister now who looks just like you. You would have loved being a big sister but some things are not meant to be. I Love you my child,

Love,
Mommy

Third Anniversary!

     This post is out of order but oh well...it is what it is...haha October 20th, 2015 marked our THIRD ANNIVERSARY! Time flies sometimes. I was 37 weeks along in these photos and feeling huge! Thanks yo my photographer for making me look small :) I'm blessed to have had three years so far with this man...with many more to come!