Garrett's Birth Story

I know...It's been wayyy too long since I've updated the blog and Garrett's birth story still hasn't been recorded so I figured I better do it while I still remember it and before I have the baby in a couple months.
Garrett's Due date that the hospital was going by was January 14th 2018...His ultrasound Due date was January 4th. I normally measure behind in each of my pregnancies so when I kept measuring on time or even ahead with him it kind of got in my head that maybe I would go early. Surely not though right? I tested positive with Strep B so I couldn't have my membranes stripped like I did with Emma so I was sure that I probably would be late.
     Garrett's birth was eerily similar to Emma's as far as time frame goes and how quick it was. The night before I went into labor I remember telling Brandon that for some odd reason I felt like I was going to have the baby soon. Brandon laughed and said I wasn't going to have him for another 2 weeks. Well...the next morning...

     3:00 A.M came early on January 6th. I woke up in hard labor and severe back pain. I couldn't believe I was in labor! Garrett wasn't due for another 8 days! I got in the shower to see if the contractions would stop but they kept getting stronger. After about an hour of this I decided it was time to call Mom. The phone rang and rang...finally she picks up and answers in a panicked voice
"Nell? Is that you? You're not in labor are you?"
"Yes Mom, I am"
"I'm not ready!"
"Well neither am I but pack your bags because it's time!" I still laugh when thinking about this conversation...we were both not expecting me to be in labor yet. My hospital bag wasn't even fully packed...I was just throwing stuff in in between contractions.
     At about 5:00 I woke up Brandon and told him I was in labor and that I wanted to go to Mom's to labor in her tub. We waited for my sister Joylynn to get to the house to stay with Emma and during that time I realized we didn't have time to go to Moms'. This baby was coming quick. We got to the hospital at about 5:30. I got out of the car and have a contraction so I'm doing a pregnancy squat in the parking lot of the hospital in the frigid cold and Brandon says to me
     "Can you hurry up? It's cold out here!" (I laugh about that now... but I wanted to kill him then)
We get into the hospital and realize we have to register. I was planning on doing this at my next appointment in a few days because the packet we were supposed to receive never came...but obviously didn't make it. Signing registration forms while you're in intense labor is very interesting! I was just so thankful that I had a painless break in between contractions...this had never happened to me before.
 

                                          Glamour pic! This was right before I had to push

 We got into our room at about 6:00 a.m and I asked to labor in the tub so that was being cleaned and filled.Once the tub was finally ready they had to check me first and I was completely dilated so I wasn't allowed in the tub. I was so sad...I wanted natures epidural!! Having such a quick labor though was worth the sacrifice.  Each contraction came with an even greater intensity than the one before. I was mentally so much more in tune though with my body and thoughts than with Zoe or Emma. Each contraction I could feel Garrett moving further down and I was in so much control mentally...It really was an amazing experience. (Besides the most humiliating experience of going the bathroom on the delivery table.) I thought to myself...In about 5 contractions I will have my baby! I had the urge to push and just let my body do it naturally instead of forcing it. A few contractions later and my baby boy was here!

Yay....it's over! Not exactly....Here comes the fun part....They laid him on my chest and cleaned him up a little while the placenta was being delivered and then after checking the placenta I was told I had retained a membrane and I was going to have to have a sweep to get it out.
     "This is going to hurt like #$%^" My midwife told me and I knew that it would. I had read and heard stories of this being done and it scared me.
     I grabbed Brandon's hand with one hand and a nurses hand with the other and screamed as my midwife was trying to find the membrane. Garrett laid on my chest screaming and I felt bad that I couldn't comfort him. Forget the epidural during labor...where was it now?!
     After what seemed like ages my midwife couldn't find the membrane so they brought in my Dr (who has tiny hands) to do it. And again...here we go with the screaming. This was much worse than delivering a child. Thankfully my Dr found it and we can avoid a D&C.
     I started hemorrhaging so they gave me Pitocin to stop the bleeding which was great but now meant my after birth contractions were on steroids! The pain was soooo intense. The cramps only lasted 2 days though instead of a week so I guess it was a blessing in disguise.

    Finally...the worst of the pain is over and I can lay in my hospital bed and feed my beautiful healthy baby boy. Garrett was born at 6:31 A.M and weighed 7 lbs 14.8 oz was 21 inches long. He was perfect in every way. He nursed great and slept even better. I had a nurse tell me that after the first feeding he would most likely sleep 4-5 hrs and that was normal because of what he just went through and I thought to myself "Is she high? There is no way!" I was of course going on the fact that Emma didn't sleep that many hours for months after birth and she screamed most of the time when she was awake. But again, the nurse was right and Garrett slept for 5 hours!! I was so shocked and thanking God that He gave me a baby without colic or acid reflux. My hospital stay was great and my nurses were amazing. They say that your 3rd birth is either your worst or best...Garrett was definitely my best birth experience so far. The after birth maybe not so much but the actual birthing experience was great. I'm excited to be having my next baby at the same hospital where we were cared for so well.

Some more pictures so you can see just how cute he was!!

Until next time...and hopefully it won't be so long...
Janel

Meal Planning

I just began the meal planning process of freezing 2 weeks of meals at a time. It's actually not even for me but for my brother who hired me to make his meals and do his grocery shopping for him so he can focus on other things and eat healthier and better than eating out. I've had a lot of people ask me how I do it and what meals I make so I'll share with you this section of meals I made for this 2 week period. I don't do every 2 weeks the same. Because that would be boring to keep eating the same stuff every single week...although I could totally do that! My method is that I choose 7 meals/dinners and I make each one twice so that for two weeks the meals are the same for each day of the week. My brother was having too many meals left over because he is often gone on the weekends so this time around I only did 12 meals/ 6 different meals..They are:
1. Grilled Chicken Breast/ Rice with black and red beans/Asparagus
2. Grilled Chicken Breast/Sweet Potato Mash/Broccoli
3. Meat Loaf/ Sweet potato Mash
4. Salmon Foil packs
5. Steak/Asparagus/Sweet potato mash
6. Jambalaya Type of Meal (Don't know what it's called)

These are the meals that my brother picked out and I made each meal up in a foil pan and covered it with foil and stacked it in the freezer. So when it was all said and done, he had 12 pans stacked in his freezer that he could just take out the night before and put it the fridge to thaw and then microwave it. Keeping the same sides makes it easier to meal plan because then you just need to make a big batch of it and then measure it out. He also wanted to me count the calories of each meal and the protein count which took a lot more time than it normally takes me to plan.

My "helper" She likes eating all of the meals. She tells me "just a little bit mom," 

Some of the many groceries it took!

Foil Packets...the easiest meal ever! 6 stalks of asparagus...top with Salmon...season with salt, pepper, and garlic. Place 2 slices of lemon on top and 1 TBS of butter and 6 cherry tomatoes. Fold up and freeze. When you want to eat it place it on a pan seam of the foil side up and bake at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes. 

This is the steak meal. It looks worse than it tastes. Lol it tastes so amazing! The sweet potato mash is my new favorite thing! I just boiled potatoes then drained the water...add as much butter as you want and mash. Add salt, pepper and garlic to taste!

I didn't take a pic of the Jambalaya stuff I made but here is the recipe

4 Polish sausage links

1 14 0z can of black beans

1 14 oz can of red kidney beans

1 can of chopped chili and tomato

2 C white rice

4 C chicken broth

Cut the sausage up in bite sized pieces and fry in some coconut oil until browned. Make sure you're using a saute pan. Add rest of ingredients and mix. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cook on medium low heat until rice is cooked. Serves 6

This dish is so easy and so so good! But if you're watching carbs...this isn't the meal for you. I also make his breakfasts which is sautéing a 1/4 of an onion in coconut oil until browned and soft. Add 1/2 of a small zucchini chopped in bite size pieces. Add 1 breakfast sausage link chopped up ( I like to get mine at Aldi that don't have any junk in them) In a separate bowl while that is cooking scramble up 5 eggs. Once mixture in pan is cooked and zucchini is soft add the eggs..season and cook until done. Super delicious...600 calories and 46.5 Grams of protein :) 

I put the breakfasts in quart sized freezer bags and laid them flat to freeze for easy storing space. 

Hope this helps you moms out there a little with some meal planning for yourself. I browse pinterest a lot for meals to cook and that freeze well. Stay tuned for the next meal planning trip! 

Until next time.....Janel

Lessons I Learned From Grieving

Zoe's home going anniversary was yesterday and so due to that event I have been thinking about all the different stages of grief that I experienced and things that no one ever told me about grief. Or maybe they did but I wasn't listening Here are a few things that happened to me and some things that I learned going through this loss.
1. Nothing in life prepares you for losing a child. Especially your first.
I had experienced deep grief when I lost my older brother Joseph in a gun accident...but it didn't even compare to the loss of losing your own child. I have such a deeper respect for my mom for going through that. The pain is so intense that it is literally a physical pain that hurts so bad!
2. I got angry...So angry...and on the outside you would have never guessed this. I was holding it together on the outside and I would smile but I was torn up. Every time I saw a newborn I would have a pity party inside and say it wasn't fair. Why did they get a child and not me? I often wanted to go up to people and tell them to cherish every moment with their miracle because I had to live without mine. I got so angry I even had the audacity to say that I hated God. I know it was horrible...but during this stage, I didn't care, I just wanted my baby back. I will forever love my sister for telling me that God understood that I hated Him and that He was still there for me and He still loved me. I am so thankful for her saying that and not telling me how wicked I was for thinking that.
3. I got sad....The anger stage passed and then the overwhelming sadness came. I would cry all day and night. People on social media would complain of sleepless nights with their children/babies and all I could think of was I wish I was going through that. I had many sleepless nights crying to hold my baby. My body was physically broken and healing post partum took me months...I just wished that my sleepless nights were from having a child, not from the lack of.
4. People mean well...this was a hard lesson for me to learn. People always mean well and I had to play this sentence on repeat in my head....the day I finally had the courage to go back to church and face everyone who when I had saw them last I was 9 months pregnant and excited about my first child, a lady in my church (she meant well) asked me when I was going to have another baby. I literally couldn't speak...I had no words. When someone goes through such a devastating loss...don't say anything. A touch....or a note saying you will be there for them are some of the things that I appreciated later...I didn't appreciate anything at the time. Everything just made me upset. But words once said cannot be unsaid. I cannot tell you how many times people would tell me they understood what I was going through because they had a miscarriage. A grieving mom does not want to hear that by the way. I have had miscarriages too and it is NOT the same. I just smiled and nodded my head because once again, I had no words.
5. You live life by the minute not by the day....When I first lost Zoe, I couldn't even physically think about the next day...I had to just get through the next minute...then the hour...then the day. The future was bleak and dark and I didn't want to think about it.
6. I seriously contemplated suicide.... I debated whether or not to write this one down because I feel like some people will think that I am less of a person for thinking this, but it is one of the 7 stages of grief and it was one I went through. I honestly was so depressed and didn't want to move on that this was a real thought. It's terrible but a very common stage of grief. If you know someone going through a loss...write them a note....send a gift...let them know you're there. Even if at the time it makes that person mad..in time it is the thing that means the most. I still have all the letters that people wrote to me during that difficult time. I pull them out and read the encouraging words when I am having a rough day.
7. Life goes on....Another really hard lesson for me. I didn't want life to go on, I didn't want to have fun and enjoy life. I didn't want to get better....but life happens and it does move on and I had two choices...1. Stay bitter...stay angry...or 2. Let go...and find enjoyment with life again.
     I chose the latter. It was tough letting go...but it had to happen. God knew what He was doing in taking my child and I had to accept it and move on. Moving on doesn't mean I don't miss her every day...or that I didn't cry every morning when I woke up without her and every night before I went to bed because I didn't have her to hold. Moving on for me meant accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do to bring her back and she was in a far better place than I was down here. Moving on meant that I knew that some day I could think about my Zoe and smile instead of cry. Moving on meant that I knew that I would see her again and that I need to LIVE my life not just survive....and that is what kept me going...knowing that I have hope that I WILL see my daughter again. I am a saved...child of God and one day when I leave this earth I will be reunited with my daughter and more importantly my Saviour...and that, my friends...is what it's all about.

Until next time.....Janel

Sister Trip 2017

Tybee island is somewhere I have always wanted to go...so when we talked about planning our sister trip for this year Tybee was the decided on spot! It's called a sister trip but we had our mom along because who doesn't like vacaying with their AMAZING mom???

We had a lot of fun laying on the beach...taking photos...and eating good food!

On Wednesday we visited an old lighthouse...when it was built in 1773 it was the tallest structure in the United States! It had so many steps that my legs are still sore from climbing them...hahaha

Shopping downtown Savanah was a highlight of our trip...the shops were so neat and I was able to get some unique gifts for friends at home! 

We took Mom out for her birthday dinner at Carrabas...the food was AMAZING and so was the service! Highly recommend :)

We definitely had a memorable trip and I'm so thankful to have had this opportunity of spending time with my family!! This is the first time I have been away from my baby so it was kind of sad but she had way more fun staying home than traveling with me! Can't wait to see where we go next time!!

And the last picture is what Mom spent most of her time doing...trying to find the van key! 😂😂😂

As I Watched You Die-----Zoe's Story

My Dearest Zoe,
     As I was carrying you, I didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. I was hoping for a girl but I was pretty sure that you were a boy. I wanted someone I could dress up in cute bows and frilly dresses, someone to go shopping with and a Kindred Spirit.

     Labor and delivery was very hard on me. Labor started around 10:30, 11:00 p.m on June 6th 2014. I had been having contractions every night, all night for the past two weeks so I didn't know for sure if I was in labor....So I got  out of bed and went and laid on the couch so I wouldn't wake up your daddy.
     I called your Aunt Nana around midnight and told her I was having contractions. She started timing them over the phone letting me know they were five minutes apart. I couldn't talk through the contractions once the third one came. They got intense fast, I just cried through them to your Aunt and told her my back hurt so bad. She finally convinced me that I was in labor and told me to call the midwife and your Grammy. Before she hung up she said to me "My labor started at midnight and I had Giulianna at 10:00. Maybe you'll have your baby by 10:00!" That would have been nice. :) I called your Grammy and then woke up your Daddy telling him I was in labor. We then called the midwife.
     Your Daddy then cleaned up the house and I showered and did my hair. (Lot of good that did) At this point I was still able to talk between contractions. Your Grammy and the midwives arrived around 3:30 A.M.
     Well 10:00 came and no You. 10:00 p.m came and still you hadn't arrived. The pain at this point was so incredible I honestly don't know how I survived it. Words cannot describe how horrible the back pain was. I had no rest between contractions, I was in constant excruciating pain. The closest I can come to describing the agony was that it was like a burning hot knife stabbed into my lower back being twisted over and over with no relief and no letting up. We tried every position to get you to come down but you were stuck. I could feel you moving trying to get into a better position and it hurt so bad I would just cry out with the intensity of it. Around 8:00 P.M Saturday night the midwife told us we should consider going to the hospital. You were not coming down like you were supposed too. I didn't know this but I had actually degressed in centimeters. We prayed and asked God to show us if going to the hospital was what we should do. My water then broke and we thought that finally you were going to be born. But you still weren't coming down.
     Your Daddy asked me if I wanted an epidural. I could barely think straight let alone talk but I managed to tell him that we couldn't afford it. He then asked if money wasn't an issue would I want one? I told him YES! I wanted one twelve hrs ago!
     We loaded up and went to the hospital which was an hour away. I didn't think the pain could get any worse but it did. I was screaming almost constantly. Someone put a heating pack on my lower back to try and relieve the pain but it burned even worse.
      Arriving at the hospital around midnight we were put in a room right away. They drew my blood and had to test it before they could give me an epidural. I was crying and begging for an epidural at that point, I just wanted some relief! FINALLY three hours later I got the epidural, but instead of making the pain better it made it worse! It took away the 'between the contraction' pain but once a contraction came I would scream because the pain was so much more intense. I yelled out "Why am I in pain???? I am paying for NO PAIN!" The nurses probably thought I was crazy. I kept asking why I was in pain. I knew I wasn't supposed to have pain with an epidural.
     After what seemed like hours the Angithesioligist came and gave me another dose of the epidural through my IV and It immediately took affect and I fell right asleep.
     5:00 A.M The nurse wakes me up and tells me I need to start pushing. In about ten minutes of having the epidural I had dilated to ten centimeters and you were ready to be born! Praise the Lord for modern medicine :)

     June 8th at 6:59 A.M after pushing for an hour and forty minutes I gave birth to you, my beautiful baby girl! The love that washed over me when I held you for the first time was so amazing! I never understood that love until now.
     You started screaming soon after being born and it was such a beautiful sound! I wish I could hear it again. After that first few moments of time I never heard your voice again.
     The Doctor told me you weren't "Pinking up" as you should be so she was just going to take you to the nursery and check you out and see what was up. I kissed your cute little face and they took you away. I turned my face to the side of the bed and just cried and cried. Something was wrong with my precious baby girl!
     The doctors thought maybe it was your lungs that was giving you the trouble but they didn't know so they began the transfer to Cincinnati Childrens Hospital. They wheeled you in before taking you to the ambulance and I got to touch you in the cart thing that they had you in. You were sedated because when they were putting the tubes into you, you ripped them out! You never came out of sedation.
     I wasn't able to go with you because I couldn't walk and I hadn't been discharged yet so your Daddy went with you. He never left your side Little One. He was my strength throughout this whole experience. I don't know what I would have done without him by my side.
     After you left, I just sat there and cried. Why couldn't I have a healthy baby? Why was this happening??
     I got discharged from the hospital and soon as I could and rushed over to the hospital to see you. Your Daddy informed me over the phone that you had almost died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and they had to shoot you with epinephrin to keep you alive. Once they got you to the hospital they put you on EECMO to keep you alive. EECMO is a machine that takes all your blood out of your body, oxygenates it then puts in back in.
     When I saw you baby girl, completely covered in tubes and wires I lost it. I broke down sobbing into your Daddy's arms. You were so ill, only a miracle could save you. I knew then that I would lose you, but I couldn't voice that out loud, all I could do was pray that God would give me the strength to get through this nightmare!

     Three days of agony we were at the hospital hearing bad news after bad....The heart surgery that you had to have to fix the problem with your heart went wrong...your kidneys were shutting down, You were brain dead because you lacked oxygen to the brain for hours, you were blind, your lungs weren't working, and on the list went. The doctors told us that IF you survived this whole thing you would be in a vegetated state and would never be able to do anything :( I couldn't do that to you Zoe, I couldn't have my beautiful daughter suffer just so that I could keep you. As much as it hurt, we had to let you go.
     The doctors pumped you up with a lot of medicine so that you wouldn't be in any pain and then they began the process of taking you off the machine. I couldn't even speak I was in so much pain. My heart was breaking into little pieces.
     Once the last of the tubes were taken away they wrapped her in her blanket and laid her in my arms. I sat in your Daddy's lap and we both held you. The family all came in and kissed you goodbye.
    As I watched you die little one I thought about the last time I held you was when you were very much alive. We named you Zoe because it means Life and now your life was fading away.
     As I watched you die I thought of all the things that we wouldn't be able to do. We wouldn't be going shopping, watching girly movies, putting bows in your hair, or dressing you in frilly dresses.
     As I watched you die I thought about how you wouldn't grow here on earth but you would be in heaven. Pain free and loving life, just like you were supposed to do.
     As we held you, your Daddy and I talked about all the moments never to come. Your first laugh, calling us Mommy and Daddy. All of the things people take for granted, we were going to get to enjoy none of them with you.
     I don't know how long we sat there. Several hours. We watched you take your last breath and the nurse came in and told us you were gone. You were in heaven now, enjoying our saviour and we were left to grieve for our baby that we wanted so much!
     We gave you a bath and cleaned the glue off your head from the tests the doctors had to do. One of the nurses gave us a gown to put you in and a hat for your head. You looked like a perfect doll baby. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted you so much and had prayed so hard that God would give me a baby and He did and now He was taking you back!
     I still couldn't walk because the of hard delivery so I was wheeled down the hall to the elevator, Daddy was holding you and we were crying the whole time. The Chaplain was there with the nurse and they were waiting to take you to the morgue. I kissed your beautiful face and then your Daddy handed you over to the nurse. I sat there and watched the doors close on my life, my baby, and I wanted to die. The grief was so intense it was a physical pain that I didn't know if I was going to be able to get through it.
     As I write this, I can barely see for the tears flowing from my eyes, but for my sake I need to write this.
     The pain never goes away, but it does get bearable. The Lord has helped me get through the biggest trial of my life. Losing you was and is, so hard. I had to take life one hour at a time but eventually I was able to live again as much as I didn't want too. I will see you again one day my sweet baby girl.
     You have a little sister now who looks just like you. You would have loved being a big sister but some things are not meant to be. I Love you my child,

Love,
Mommy

Third Anniversary!

     This post is out of order but oh well...it is what it is...haha October 20th, 2015 marked our THIRD ANNIVERSARY! Time flies sometimes. I was 37 weeks along in these photos and feeling huge! Thanks yo my photographer for making me look small :) I'm blessed to have had three years so far with this man...with many more to come!