Zoe's home going anniversary was yesterday and so due to that event I have been thinking about all the different stages of grief that I experienced and things that no one ever told me about grief. Or maybe they did but I wasn't listening Here are a few things that happened to me and some things that I learned going through this loss.
1. Nothing in life prepares you for losing a child. Especially your first.
I had experienced deep grief when I lost my older brother Joseph in a gun accident...but it didn't even compare to the loss of losing your own child. I have such a deeper respect for my mom for going through that. The pain is so intense that it is literally a physical pain that hurts so bad!
2. I got angry...So angry...and on the outside you would have never guessed this. I was holding it together on the outside and I would smile but I was torn up. Every time I saw a newborn I would have a pity party inside and say it wasn't fair. Why did they get a child and not me? I often wanted to go up to people and tell them to cherish every moment with their miracle because I had to live without mine. I got so angry I even had the audacity to say that I hated God. I know it was horrible...but during this stage, I didn't care, I just wanted my baby back. I will forever love my sister for telling me that God understood that I hated Him and that He was still there for me and He still loved me. I am so thankful for her saying that and not telling me how wicked I was for thinking that.
3. I got sad....The anger stage passed and then the overwhelming sadness came. I would cry all day and night. People on social media would complain of sleepless nights with their children/babies and all I could think of was I wish I was going through that. I had many sleepless nights crying to hold my baby. My body was physically broken and healing post partum took me months...I just wished that my sleepless nights were from having a child, not from the lack of.
4. People mean well...this was a hard lesson for me to learn. People always mean well and I had to play this sentence on repeat in my head....the day I finally had the courage to go back to church and face everyone who when I had saw them last I was 9 months pregnant and excited about my first child, a lady in my church (she meant well) asked me when I was going to have another baby. I literally couldn't speak...I had no words. When someone goes through such a devastating loss...don't say anything. A touch....or a note saying you will be there for them are some of the things that I appreciated later...I didn't appreciate anything at the time. Everything just made me upset. But words once said cannot be unsaid. I cannot tell you how many times people would tell me they understood what I was going through because they had a miscarriage. A grieving mom does not want to hear that by the way. I have had miscarriages too and it is NOT the same. I just smiled and nodded my head because once again, I had no words.
5. You live life by the minute not by the day....When I first lost Zoe, I couldn't even physically think about the next day...I had to just get through the next minute...then the hour...then the day. The future was bleak and dark and I didn't want to think about it.
6. I seriously contemplated suicide.... I debated whether or not to write this one down because I feel like some people will think that I am less of a person for thinking this, but it is one of the 7 stages of grief and it was one I went through. I honestly was so depressed and didn't want to move on that this was a real thought. It's terrible but a very common stage of grief. If you know someone going through a loss...write them a note....send a gift...let them know you're there. Even if at the time it makes that person mad..in time it is the thing that means the most. I still have all the letters that people wrote to me during that difficult time. I pull them out and read the encouraging words when I am having a rough day.
7. Life goes on....Another really hard lesson for me. I didn't want life to go on, I didn't want to have fun and enjoy life. I didn't want to get better....but life happens and it does move on and I had two choices...1. Stay bitter...stay angry...or 2. Let go...and find enjoyment with life again.
I chose the latter. It was tough letting go...but it had to happen. God knew what He was doing in taking my child and I had to accept it and move on. Moving on doesn't mean I don't miss her every day...or that I didn't cry every morning when I woke up without her and every night before I went to bed because I didn't have her to hold. Moving on for me meant accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do to bring her back and she was in a far better place than I was down here. Moving on meant that I knew that some day I could think about my Zoe and smile instead of cry. Moving on meant that I knew that I would see her again and that I need to LIVE my life not just survive....and that is what kept me going...knowing that I have hope that I WILL see my daughter again. I am a saved...child of God and one day when I leave this earth I will be reunited with my daughter and more importantly my Saviour...and that, my friends...is what it's all about.
Until next time.....Janel
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